DVD REVIEWS: FOUR HORROR MOVIES BY WRITER/DIRECTOR BRETT PIPER

 

 

Not so long ago, a couple of months in fact, I bought Schlock -sorry- Shock-o-rama, a 4-disc set of Piper's movies  on the Independent Cinema label and enjoyed them so much, I ordered these four, three of which predated his IC work. Piper even sent me a comment. Okay it was only two lines and one was a quote from me, but it's still flattering that he even noticed a lowly blogger like me and he's obviously got a good sense of humour.

But Brett, if you're reading this, stop now as none of these are as good as your IC stuff.

Warning: spoilers.

Arachnia was the best of the four and ten minutes in I remembered that I'd seen if before some years ago and probably on the Sci-Fi channel. That I remembered it all was a good sign as I've got a crap memory and have bought the same DVD on more than one occasion in the past. It stars Rob Monkiewicz whose limited but good-humoured leading man charms are beginning to grow on me. There's some nudity and a lesbian scene with two bimbos (it's the same scene). There's the no-nonsense leading woman, the smart crusty local, and monsters -giant prehistoric spiders in this case. And some effective stop-motion. All the usual Piper ingredients in other words. The gore is minimal -and I'm not counting a stop-motion puppet getting dismembered as gory-  but there's more than enough going on to keep the viewer happy. Okay, this one is as good as his IC stuff.

Drainiac and Psyclops are the sort of horror movies that begin fading from your memory moments after you've put the disc back in the case. It's only weeks since I've watched them and I can hardly remember a thing about them. They weren't awful but to call them barely adequate entertainment is to damn them with extremely faint praise.

Muckman, however, is memorable but for all the wrong reasons because it's so very annoying. To be fair, I don't blame Piper for this. While I don't know the details, I can make some assumptions for which, if they're completely wrong, I apologise. Like all of us, Piper gotta work to eat and in this case it meant taking an offer from the Polonia Bros who wanted parts in the film (overacting terribly as two idiot locals) and one to co-write the script.In words, just because it's crap doesn't make it Piper's fault. You can only work with the tools you're given.

The plot, basically, is a documentary director who films 'monsters' is exposed as a hoaxer but convinces his producers to give him one more chance to find a real monster which he is convinced exists. But really he's just planning another hoax with the help of three locals and his woman in front of the camera. The two male, two female crew are in the dark. Of course the monster turns out to be real and there's also a giant monster to boot as well as little squiggly things (its babies). And everyone gets what's coming to them.

Anju McIntyre stars as the lead bitch. Anju is also known  as AJ Khan one of the stars of Seduction Cinema's lesbian soft-core porn movies. Like fellow actress Misty Mundae/Erin Brown, Khan is presumably trying to go straight (sorry about that). Lots of luck.

On the DVD cover are certain phrases (see above). The beautiful bikini babes brawl for an extremely out of character reason, especially as they seemed to be friends. Could it be a feeble excuse to have beautiful bikini babes brawling? Surely not. The unspeakable violence isn't unspeakable -it's barely violence and the gore is faked within the context of the film so it's not 'real' gore and looks it anyway. The terrifying monsters aren't exactly terrifying, though they aren't bad despite one being the obvious man in a suit (but then I'm a Godzilla fan), and the other stop motion animation (of which, in the unlikely event you hadn't guessed, I'm also a fan). Also: no-one dies and no-one gets their tits out, not even AJ/Anju. Being a Piper movie, it has its moments but it's still a pile of crap.

Never mind, I'll still be keeping an eye open for whatever he does next.

Here's a few stills.

Muckman -the idiots abroad

Drainiac

I'll let you guess which one these two are from.

RECENT AMAZON REVIEWS

Dyson DC38 Multi Floor Lightweight Dyson Ball Cylinder Vacuum Cleaner

As I've mentioned before, I'm a member of Amazon Vine where selected regular Amazon reviewers get the chance to pick up to four freebies a month from a selected list. It's mostly books but sometimes you get offered something special. Mind you have to be quick because there aren't many of the special items available. I got the last one of these which cost £299.99.

Title: Dyson does it again. Rating 5*

This is the second Dyson I've owned -the previous being (and still is) an upright- and only serves to confirm my opinion that if you want a vacuum cleaner then Dyson is the best. You can see all the specs above so I'll skip them and get right down to basics.

Opening the box. This requires a little effort, though that isn't a criticism just an observation. At least it's secure.

Unpacking. Needless to say it's in several pieces, each wrapped separately with all but one being in plastic wrap, the other in card. There's no fiddly tape, you just pull the plastic out one end and slide it off the part. Nice and easy.

Fitting it together. Resisting the temptation of thinking it looks easy, I looked at the operating manual which consists of several diagrams but no words. I confess I'm a word person and like to see things next to a diagram like: Slot tube A into socket B. Hmm. I stared at the diagram and stared at the various parts as I worked out which was which and made a start.I have to confess it was quite easy. I got briefly stuck trying to press a button which didn't seem accessible until realised I had to press a different button release a catch which separated the ball from the drum. This isn't Dyson's fault, it's mine for being thick. For anyone used to working from diagrams it's a doddle. Everything you need to know is there, it just takes some of us (well, me) a little longer to work out than others. The various accompanying tools are fitted onto a separate unit which clips neatly onto the main hard plastic tube (or whatever it's called). Replacing the suction heads (or...) is again easy and effortless.

There are some helpful instructions -in words!- on how to use it safely. Like don't try to suck up anything that's on fire and, similarly, don't try and suck up water, etc. Got it!

Using it. Well it rolls around okay with virtually no effort required. Switch it on and the first thing you notice is how relatively quiet it is compared to any other vacuum cleaner you've ever used including an upright Dyson, though it was loud enough to still scare the crap out of my cats. It's great for getting under chairs and couches as long as the legs raise them a few inches off the ground and it glides over carpets, mats and hard floors. I tried in on the stairs and it was better than the upright and had a longer reach. Press the button to rewind the flex (after switching it off first) it goes in smoothly and easily without whipping round and hitting your knuckles, though Dyson do recommend holding it as a precaution.

What more can I say? This is an extremely well designed piece of equipment that does everything Dyson claim for it and does it well. If you want this type of vacuum cleaner I really don't think you can do better and I'm delighted to have one. 

 Title: For fans of electric guitar everywhere. Rating 4*

While steeped in the desert blues style, it's easily accessible to western audiences. Mostly it's a relatively subdued flowing album. Indeed you can just let it flow over you like warm water, relaxing in the ambience and this is a perfectly valid way of listening to it. But if you do you'll miss out on much. There's a delicate interweaving of two electric guitars as well as Bombino's own solos. The understated drumming enhances it well -the band is a three piece, augmented for this album by bass and rhythm guitars and percussion. Bombino's voice is smooth with just enough of an edge.

But there is also a western influence which makes itself intermittently known. The opening repetitive riff to Tenere could be a country blues from the 1930s. On the next and for me the standout track, Iyat Idounia Ayasahen, the band sounds like a Tuareg version of the Grateful Dead as the band get rocking for 9 minutes and Bombino sounds like he's channeling the spirit of Jerry Garcia. Apart from some brief applause you can't tell the difference between the studio and live tracks.

Well worth risking a few quid on. 

Daredevil vol.1 by Mark Waid

Title: Grin Not  Grim. Rating: 4*

After years of bleakness, noir, depression, alienation, and lots of other negatives, Mark Waid (noted for taking different tacks when chronicling well known heroes) has taken a different tack with Daredevil. It's probably the only one he could take if he wanted to make it different from everything else that's happened to the character in the last few years. He's made DD fun again.

Matt Murdock, who contrary to popular opinion insists that he isn't Daredevil, has decided to lighten up. No more angst and gloom and depression. He wants to have fun again and proves it by showing he has a sense of humour. He also has a slightly different way of showing how DD 'sees' the world though it isn't overdone if only stop the artist having a nervous breakdown. It's a nice fresh likable approach. Waid also throws in some new characters including an interesting potential girlfriend for Matt. I do think it's been overpraised by critics but it's still one of Marvel's better titles and I've already pre-ordered the next in the series.  

Title: Minimalism is the new black. Rating: 5*

In an era when men's watches must have a multiplicity of functions requiring a manual comparable to that of a computer and a thickness to match, this one is refreshingly minimalist. Here's a list of all its functions-

It tells the time.

That's it.

And it tells it using Arabic numerals from 1-12. No guessing what XXXV to X11 means or trying to figure out the time from a blank face with raised bits. Nope, when the big hand is (looks at watch) on 4 and the little hand is on 11 then it's twenty past eleven. Though you do have to figure out whether it's morning or afternoon which could be difficult in either mid-winter or mid-summer in Norway but the rest of us should have no problem. It doesn't light up either.

It's also very slim and the strap fits snugly around your wrist. All you have to do is wind it to the correct time, put it on your wrist and forget about it until it's needed.

Brilliant idea. Wonder who thought of it.

TV: MY FAVOURITE DRAMA SERIES ARE BACK

I use the term drama very loosely as only one of them fits that description. And that's-

Skins. For the first time in four seasons, I'm not doing a weekly recap/review. I still like it but this third generation just hasn't grabbed me the way the previous two did. I'll say one thing for it though, it's unpredictable. Whether or not this is a good thing is debatable as they killed off the best character in the second episode of this new season (the adorable Grace) and in the third introduced a brand new character who seems to follow the rules of Luke Rhinehart's novel The Dice Man.

Rich and the long lamented Grace

A new season of Castle starts again tonight as does a half season of Fringe following a mid-season hiatus. The end of the last season of Castle had him declaring his love for Detective Kate Beckett as she lay dying, not that she'll die of course. I'll be really pissed off if she doesn't remember when she wakes up as this would be the worst form of cop out. Fringe with its parallel worlds and the marvellous John Noble as a literally mad scientist is just unmissable especially, as has long been expected, there is actually a third parallel world to complicate matters.

Thursday nights are great with The Good Wife, Body of Proof, and Rizzoli and  Isles. The Good Wife is a terrific legal drama series with a marvellous ensemble cast. Body of Proof isn't brilliant but it does start the brilliant Dana Delany who makes anything worth watching. Rizzoli and Isles is (in my dreams and the dreams of many others: fact) a lesbian version of Castle, Sadly in the real world it's a mismatched buddy-buddy drama of female detective from a cop family and her eccentric dissecting doctor from an affluent family (but adopted!) friend.

In this season, The Not-So Good Wife

Sunday night  is horror-fantasy night with the return of BBC3 series Being Human and HBO series True Blood. BH has gone for the change everything approach. One of the four main characters was killed of at the end of the previous series, one in between series plus the villain, and one in the first episode where we also meet another ghost-vampire-werewolf triad, new vamp villains, and a new future heroine who wants to kill her baby self in order to save the world. Jesus! TB is just more of the same if you assume that the same is everything changing from week to week. After 15 minutes in fairyland Sookie escapes to find a year has passed. Vampire Eric has secretly bought her house, her boyfriend is now King of Louisiana and a badass. Her best woman friend, the nutty Tara, has moved away to become a cage-fighter and a lesbian (yay!). Her sex-mad irresponsible brother is now a serious-minded cop. And more. Loved it.

 Couldn't find a pic of her snogging her girlfriend

What is it about me and TV series with strong attractive women in them? Coincidence? Are the best current series just happening to have strong attractive women characters? Who cares? These are all pretty good to great shows which I enjoy a lot. Me, I think TV as entertainment has never been better.

Post Script.

I'm also enjoying BBC1's Call The Midwife. Which is a bit out of my usual taste in TV but it is very well done.

Having the delightful Miranda Hart in a straight role doesn't hurt either.

SOCIETY/ RELIGION

I came across this when reading comments on a short video shown on C4's 4thought in which openly lesbian actor Heather Peace argues that gays should be allowed to marry in church. This got the following reply from Kspec 37:

What bugs me is this. God is against homosexuality, its in his word. So why do thy need to be married in his house ? God does not contradict or change so he will not bless this. I am for homosexual couples having human rights and they not be treated any other way just because of their sexual orientation. But as far as getting married and having children I really cannot condone it. 

Which resulted in the following reply:

megamouth 06 Feb 2012 23:34

Dear Kspec37.
You are certainly entitled to your own opinion, just as we are ALL entitled to equal rights under the law. You mention that “ God is against homosexuality, its in his word.” ? Unless God spoke directly to you with this information recently (in which case I am sure we would have heard of you by now) I can only assume it is his word via the Bible you are speaking of?
For example, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. Or Leviticus 5, which states you shall not lie with a male as you would lie with a female. Or Leviticus 20.13 which states: A man who sleeps with another man is an abomination and should be executed?
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighbouring nations. I am from Canada and a friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Americans. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Americans?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual "uncleanliness" - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
Leviticus is a holiness code written 3,000 years ago. It also includes prohibitions against tattoos, working on the Sabbath, eating pork or shellfish and getting your fortune told.
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Oh and one other for you: “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”- Matthew 7:1-5.
Your adoring fan.
P.S.: I would really like to own an American, anything you can do to help me with that in God’s eyes would be greatly appreciated. 

All praise the great and wonderful Megamouth for his/her brilliant comment. Funniest thing I've read this year (and last, probably). Sheer genius.

Reprinted without permission but I'm sure Megamouth won't mind.

SOCIETY: A PROBLEMATIC CASE

The following was copied from the beginning of a Mail Online article published today.

A judge has banned an autistic woman with an IQ of 64 from having sexual intercourse on the grounds she does not fully understand she could say no to such actions.

Mr Justice Hedley said the 29-year-old lacks the mental capacity to consent to having sex, and made the order to protect her best interests.

He said she had to be protected from 'potentially exploitative and damaging' relations in the future, as she had already been involved in risky behaviour with people.

The order prevents the woman from having sex and also means anyone trying to have sex with her can be charged with sexual assault or rape.

 

And here is a comment by a total fucking moron.

If they applied this minimum IQ policy across the country, the chav problem would be solved in a single generation.

- cupid, london, 05/2/2012 13:47

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2096472/Judge-bans-vulnerable-woman-having-sex-lacks-mental-capacity-consent.html#ixzz1ldTEfT1S

Okay. Deep breath. I have the feeling that whatever I sat about this case could be wrong because it's one of those where there really is no easy or obvious answer and maybe there is no right answer. But first off let's demolish that cretin cupid.

Ignoring the word chav because he (I really doubt it's a she) basically means the underclass. What he's done is raised the spectre of that specious so-called science known as eugenics. Eugenics believes that you can weed out those with genetic abnormalities (like disability and low i.q.) by restricting breeding. Which sounds fine except that it doesn't work and has long since been discredited by scientific research, though that doesn't stop ignoramuses coming along who believe it does. No it doesn't!

Back to this individual case. There are a couple of principles at issue here. The first is the duty of care by society to its weakest members who may be have to be protected from themselves. And then we have the principle of freedom of the individual to conduct their own lives  the way they wish (in accordance with the law). And honestly I don't think I can reconcile them.

I'll accept that this woman needs protection from those would exploit her sexually or otherwise. But I'm not happy about depriving her of the pleasures of having a sex life nor the risk of a rape accusation against someone unaware of this ruling who enters into a consensual act with this woman.

So, an alternative is to sterilise her instead. That still leaves her at the risk of STI's of course as she can't be relied on to insist on the use of a condom but there you go. Except, of course, sterilisation raises the issue of eugenics. And do we honestly have the right to deprive her of conceiving a child? 

I don't know. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Protect but deprive. Freedom but at risk. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Poor woman.

DVD REVIEW: SATAN'S BABY DOLL (1983)

A shorter version of this review appeared on amazon.co.uk under the title Glum and received a 2 star rating. This version incorporates XXX material cut from that review. Because of this, print quality of the reinserted material may not be as good. Caution: contains plot spoilers.

The best bit of this disc was the trailer for a sex and cannibalism movie whose name I can't remember but must look up and order! Lots of nudity, explicit sex, straight and lesbian, and some heart ripping out and munching and much more fun in a couple of minutes than in the entirety of this film.

Completely misleading cover (reminiscent of Boris Vallejo) as there's no devil anywhere. The triple X reinserts aren't remotely hardcore either so don't get too excited when the screen gets grainy. It consists mostly of a hand rubbing pubic hair.  Okay, the naked beautiful faux-nun fondling herself isn't bad but there's a lot less sex than you'd expect. There isn't much gore either and what there is is pretty feeble. A fairly innocuous dessicated corpse which has been laying around the crypt in full view comes to life and strangles the servant (see below).

Most of the film is the cast emoting as loudly as they can. You have the nasty patriarch bullying and intimidating everyone. There's the blubbering servant who wants to save the daughter from being possessed by the soul of the dead (naked) mother in the catacombs -too late. Let's not forget the beautiful virgin faux-nun who relives her sexual tension by masturbating. The patriarch's crippled brother who wasn't crippled until the patriarch caught him shagging his wife.  The doctor who was also shagging the wife. And the beautiful teenage daughter who also likes touching herself.

Basically it's a story of revenge which starts when the entire cast gather round the naked body of the dead wife. The naked wife has shagged the crippled brother and the doctor (and probably anything else on two legs). The patriarch wants to shag the beautiful faux-nun who fondles herself but she won't do it with him. Patriarch locks his crippled brother in the crypt to starve to death.

The beautiful naked dead wife possesses her daughter. The daughter doesn't actually do much except stand around near an intended victim. The first one to get offed is the servant (see above). Using her daughter to actually appear in person, the BNDW lures the trapped crippled brother to a hole which he falls into and dies (a mercy killing actually). The Patriarch beats the beautiful faux-nun and locks her up. The BNDW reveals herself to the Patriarch who falls over a balcony. The possessed daughter goes to the nun whom we discover is the love of her mother's life (and death it seems) and who wants her (cue more pubic hair fondling) to be her possessed daughter's lover. The nun, however has a conscience and goes to the naked corpse, lies on top of her and kisses her in a sort of necrophiliac lesbian scene  and the corpse kills her so they are together in death. The End. Breath sigh of relief that it's all over.

And I've probably made it sound better than it is. Dull, glum, and dull. Now what was the title of that opening trailer? Something with 'naked' 'cannibal' and 'queen' in it I think.

Post Script.

Actually, it's Love Goddess of the Cannibals. Close enough.