BOOKS/DVD: MORE AMAZON REVIEWS

Killer Movie DVD 

Not bad but could have been better.

That said, the movie does have a fair bit going for it. Not least is that every time you think you know who the killer is, the real one promptly kills them. I was absolutely certain I knew who it was only for the guy to have his throat cut less than a minute after I'd definitely made my mind up it was him.

There is an attractive cast of good actors like the likeable Kaley Cuoco (The Big Bang Theory) playing an obnoxious actress, who I'm sure wasn't remotely based on L*nds*y L*h*n, who isn't as horrible as she first appears. Nestor Carbonell is great as a cynical agent and Paul Wesley of the Vampire Diaries is good as the lead. The rest of the supporting cast is fun as well particularly the actress who plays the utterly vile and predatory lesbian producer.

Much of the gore tends to be offscreen like the Cheerleader coach's encounter with a rotary saw (just when I decided she was the killer) or the beheading early on (when I'd decided that this character would probably be the Final Girl). Then there are more explicit bits like the throat slitting (see above) and hand amputation, so it isn't all bad. Plus there is a very high body count so that even at almost the very end you still just don't know who the damn killer is.

But I didn't find it very suspenseful and never remotely adrenalin-inducing. In fact it's oddly likeable for a serial killer movie and it is certainly surprising. Give it a try and it may surprise you.

Let's say the rating is three and a half stars. 

 

Robert Charles Wilson is one of the best Science Fiction writers around., 30 May 2010

This review is from: Blind Lake (Mass Market Paperback)

Or so I've come to believe after reading just two of his novels, the other being the award-winning Spin.

Like Spin, Wilson sets up a rather marvellous scientific problem against a very human background. Set several decades hence, three writers arrive at a scientific complex where, via a marvellous machine, humans can observe daily life on a planet over 50 light years distant. Then, for seemingly no reason, the complex is complete cut off with supplies arriving by a robotic drone. What the heck is going on?

This isn't action SF, instead we view events through the eyes of several characters, all of whom have problems which cause them to react differently to what is happening. Not a lot actually does happen but I was rivetted and really did not want to put this book down as I wanted to find out both the nature of the mystery and its effect on the protagonists. If I say much more I'll only spoil it for you.

So, after reading just two of Wilson's novels and immediately after finishing this one, I went and ordered four more from Amazon. I don't think I'm going to be disappointed. 

TV/DVD: SKINS SERIES 4

An Amazon 4-star review

Whatever happened to the greatest drama series on television ever?

I am, as you all know, referring to Skins series 3, a program I have watched more than any other and even written a 16000 word review/recap of it. It was a series that reached out and touched people. Like Glee, it transcended its target demographic. It was important television and Series 4 was the most anticipated (by me anyway) program ever since the moon landing.

And then we got Skins series 4 which was like being slapped with a wet piece of cod. It wasn’t all bad, not by a long way, and did have some good stuff. But what it didn’t have was the magic of Series 3. So, what happened? And I should add that in my attempt to find out, we’ll doing serious spoilers, so if you aren’t already familiar with it, you’d be best off reading another review.

It opened promisingly if grimly. Sophia, a girl unknown to us wanders through a heaving club, walking by or bumping into our friends. After walking past a snogging Naomi and Emily  she climbs onto a balcony and jumps off. The first two episode are about the aftermath. When Naomi lies to the police in front of Emily, Emily starts digging into what really happened. What she finds out shatters her relationship with Naomi, even though they’ve just moved in together, and they spend the rest of the series in a living hell as Emily is full of anger and resentment and Naomi is full of guilt and self-pity.

Thomas, who had been running the club night is expelled from Roundview by the new ruthless head who speaks softly and carries a bull-pizzle whip with which to lash recalcitrant students. Actually that’s a metaphor, or maybe just a fantasy of mine. Thomas then undergoes his own journey into the heart of darkness by foolishly if understandably (she’s hot, she’s talented, she’s from the Congo, and she wants him anyway) having sex with his minister’s daughter and then, stupidly, tells Pandora who won’t, at Effy’s urging, forgive him.

So far, so glum.

On the other hand, Katie 4king Fitch comes up trumps. When her family starts to collapse around her due to her father’s incompetent financial dealings, it’s Katie who holds everything together even to the extent of getting them to movie in with Naomi and Emily. What do you think, Mysterious Voice-over from The Weakest Link? “Well Ian, from the weakest player in the last round, Katie has become the strongest in this one.” Thank you, sir. Katie, unlike some of our characters, is growing up and doing a good job it it.

The next biggest surprise is Cook. An even bigger one is his mother who is just as selfish a monster as his father was in series 3. Except she’s a millionaire conceptual artist who has loud sex within the hearing of Cook and his 10 year old half-brother. Cook comes to learn that his actions have consequences which he finally faces up to and it appears that he too is beginning to grow up. Sadly it doesn’t last.

Thank god we get some well-earned light relief with JJ falling in love with a single mother who cute and pretty and bright enough to realise that a gentle 18 year old who flirts with old ladies at a checkout is a better bet than her chav ex-boyfriend. There are lots of funny scenes and painful ones too, plus an encounter with JJ’s quiet father who has always thought that JJ would do just fine even while he tolerates JJ’s mum dragging him to see dopy shrinks. And it has a happy end.

Meanwhile, Freddie and Effy (my two least favourite characters) are living in a haze of drugs, sex, and madness. Freddie blames his father for his mother’s suicide and when Effy develops similar symptoms he can’t cope. This leaves Effy at the mercy of an obsessive psycho-shrink who makes her even worse and who, when it seems she’s out of his clutches, murders Freddie and Series 4 jumps the shark. Madness is a serious and important subject and it was right to tackle it in Skins. But what they should not have done was to introduce a genuinely homicidal psychologist into the mix and reduce it to cheapest and crudest of melodrama. More than anything else, this ruined series 4 for me. And getting his comeuppance from Cook didn’t help any either.

And so to the last episodes when loose ends are tied up and relationships are resolved. Like you, I desperately wanted Naomi and Emily to get back together properly and if they hadn’t I would probably have destroyed the television set and stalked the writers with a baseball bat. That’s another metaphor; I wouldn’t really. So, no surprise, they did get back together with lots of crying and some kissing (not enough). Thomas, in the space of five minutes is seen running by a coach who tells him he’s international class and fixes him up with a sports scholarship at Harvard. Wow! And they say fairy tales don’t happen. Pandora, who was always cleverer than she admitted to be, has got several squillion A*s and a history to scholarship to- Oh, you’ll never guess.

Outside the party in Freddie’s shed where all this has been happening, lurks psycho-shrink who is followed home by Cook who finds, all neatly laid out in the living room, the evidence that his best mate has been murdered. Violence is about to ensue when the credits come up.

Great cast, great acting, great adult guest stars, and some bloody horrible plot developments. Still, we’ll always have Skins 3.

CD: GLEE THE MUSIC, VOLUME 3, SHOWSTOPPERS, DELUXE

An Amazon 4-star review (slightly expanded).

Third to be release, third in quality.

Admittedly it could just be me but I think that the song choices this time around aren't as strong as on the previous albums. It doesn't help that it opens with one of my least favourite Beatles songs and that I'm not a big Beatles fan in the first place. No matter, it picks up again straight after with Gives You Hell and there are lots of good songs like Total Eclipse of the Heart, One, Dream On (a great two-hander by Morrison and Harris), Safety Dance (given the poignancy that it's a fantasy number sung by the wheelchair-bound Artie), and Rose's Turn from Chris Colfer. But there are just a few two many so-so songs and at least one serious misstep with Poker Face. And not enough rock songs, but then again maybe that's just me.

What I'd really like is a DVD of the musical numbers from the show as the songs are all stronger set in the context and the dance routines don't hurt either. 

Incidentally, I don't know what is 'deluxe' about it as there appear to be no other editions, neither ordinary nor mega deluxe. Bollocks.

BOOKS: ALAN MOORE -TOM STRONG DELUXE EDITION BOOK 2

 An Amazon 5-star review.

Celebration of the super-hero comic.

While clearly having its own individual voice, as if anything written by Alan Moore wouldn't, this is a tribute to the comic book and to super hero comic books in particular. The range of styles Moore manages to adopt, while never being less than clearly Tom Strong is impressive and never less than great fun. Opening with a time travel paradox story, which manages to include funny animals and also reference the Shazam Captain Marvel, Moore moves on to a 3 short story Science Fiction anthology comic which also includes a Wally Wood EC pastiche before a chapter which echoes the Fantastic Four. We then have a 3-part alien invasion story which brings back several characters from the previous volume including the 3-eyed alien abductees and introduces a new cowboy hero. Following another short story chapter which has one illustrated by legend Howard Chaykin, we arrive at the book's most impressive sequence, an alternate reality in which Tom Strong's father was Tomas and he becomes Tom Stone. The mixed-race Stone has a different attitude towards things and actually befriends Tom Strong's nemesis Saveen, convincing him to become a science-hero and his partner. Stone marries Greta and Saveen marries Dahlua and the scene is set for tragedy as the title of the third part 'Crisis In Infinite Hearts' suggests. This is an emotionally powerful tale and far less playful than the other stories as it is played completely straight to reveal another side of comics that Moore is celebrating. The final story is a two parter written by Peter Hogan and is fine but much less impressive than the one which preceded it.

Throw in a 20 page Chris Sprouse sketchbook and we have in the slightly oversize format one of the most fun packages around. The Tom Strong stories are Moore being playful and having a lot of fun but please note that this isn't the same thing as being flippant. There is real heart and emotion here which gives the stories a depth which would be lacking and otherwise reduce them to no more than pastiche. It may not rank as essential Alan Moore but you'll be missing out on a great deal of sheer enjoyment if you don't give it a try. 

BOOKS: THE BARRY WINDSOR-SMITH CONAN ARCHIVES VOL..2

 A 5-star Amazon review (before it even appears in Amazon).

Barry Windsor-Smith: The Legend Begins!

A little melodramatic perhaps but not that far from the truth.

In volume 1, Smith was still in the process of learning his craft, here he has begun to master it. There's a significant leap forward in the sheer quality of his art compared to volume 1 as here we find the detail and the fine line which made Conan the comic stand out from all the rest of the Marvel product. Writer Roy Thomas also shows a distinct improvement with his own stories and those adapted from Howard originals. This really is ground breaking stuff and is still very impressive today.

Here are the highlights. After a couple of enjoyable if by the numbers stories, we arrive at a two-parter containing, in the hyperbole of the time, 'History's Greatest Team-Up' in a story, plotted by Michael Moorcock and his associate James Cawthorne, and featuring Conan and Moorcock's own sword and sorcery hero the tragic and doomed Elric of Melnibone and also features the return of the wizard Zukala and his daughter from the previous volume. Next up is a reprint of a story -The Frost Giant's Daughter, a Howard adaptation- originally from Savage Tales, a black and white magazine, presented here in colour and minus the nudity and some suggestive dialogue -damn. Then we get five parts of an ongoing story set against the siege of Makkalet which also introduces Red Sonja (who was not a Howard creation). It presents some of Smith's finest art so far (with part of one issue printed from his pencils because of lateness) and highly assured writing from Roy Thomas. Despite not having read them for decades, I remember them vividly and they don't disappoint.

But the best is saved till last with the team's 60 page adaptation of Howard's Red Nails which didn't appear in the Conan comic. This is one of Howard's best Conan stories and Thomas and Smith do it justice. It's a dark tale of gloomy halls, an old contained decaying society and where the madness of men is far worse than any monster which appears. Years ago I bought the outsize Marvel Treasury Edition of this tale, a format which, as I remember, was really impressive. Still it's nice to have it again whatever the form.

Just a couple of points worth noting, though they don't affect the pleasure you'll have from reading these stories.
First off the introduction to this and to vol.1 by Roy Thomas appear to have been lifted from the first two of the original paperback editions which preceded these. As a result the introduction to vol.1 doesn't include all the stories in it, and the introduction to vol.2 refers to stories from vol.1 but stops a third of the way through with The Frost Giant's Daughter. Given that these are expensive items, you would have imagined that the publisher would have either commissioned new introductions or at least properly edited the ones which do appear.
Secondly, this the Barry Windsor-Smith Archives, not the complete chronicles of Conan, so if Smith misses an issue (Gil Kane did two fill-ins for issues 17 & 18), then it doesn't appear. The complete Conan stories in chronological order are available in a different series.

And now I'm waiting for the third and final volume. 

Incidentally, the cover in the Amazon link below isn't correct. The real cover is identical to vol1 except for a different image of Conan which reflects the change in Smith's style.

BOOKS: THE BARRY WINDSOR-SMITH CONAN ARCHIVES VOL.1

An Amazon 4-star review.

Title: Curse You, Barry Windsor-Smith

If it wasn't for him I'd probably be many thousands of pounds better off.

It's late 1971 or maybe early 1972, I've been out college for a couple of years and it's at least seven years since I picked up a comic. I've started a local Science Fiction fan group which is just getting established and the last thing on my mind is comics. Then one of my friends who, unlike me, didn't grow out of comics by or before the end of his adolescence,keeps thrusting the Marvel comic version of Conan The Barbarian. Now I was already familiar with Conan and had several copies of those lovely Lancer paperbacks with the brilliant Frank Frazetta covers. So I grudgingly had a look at the comics. And they were a lot better than I expected, so much so that I bought the next issue which came out.

An Amazon 4-star review.

Big mistake. Forty years later I'm still buying comics. Well, maybe not the physical entity which is a comic book but definitely graphic novels, or 'graphic stories' as I prefer to call them. After Conan, I began picking up the odd Marvel title which caught my interest and before long I was buying the entire month's titles which were distributed in the UK and could be found in my town centre market. These were the days when they were shipped as ballast and cost about 12p. Most, with hindsight, weren't very good but there were odd exceptions like the Wein-Wrightson Swamp Thing and the Byrne-Claremont X-Men and before long it was the 80's when comics exploded as an art form.

And here I am, forty years on with the original comics having been sold years ago along with the rest of my collection because I needed the cash to get married, buying an expensive (well, moderately expensive) hardback collection of the first 11 issues, recoloured and on glossy paper. So, is this just a nostalgia trip or do they have some merit still?

To which the answer is yes. Before Conan, Barry Smith, as he was then, was just a jobbing English comic artist with a few Marvel titles under his belt. Competent but nothing special and clearly influenced by Jack Kirby and, I think, Steve Ditko. Because Stan Lee didn't want to fork out top artist money for the title by getting John Buscema (then Marvel's top artist) to draw it, Lee and Thomas agreed on Smith. The first few issues were okay artistically but nothing special, though Thomas did have a reasonable feel for sword and sorcery. But with the third issue published, though the 5th that Smith actually drew, you can see signs of s significant improvement with a growing attention to detail and a sharper line as Smith is clearly refining his style. In this volume it isn't there yet, which is why I've only given it 4 stars. Volume 2 is currently on its way to me and it's in that one that Smith (memory tells me) really explodes and I'll be reviewing it soon.

Anyone wanting to read Conan comics will probably find that the comics currently available by other hands have more explicit gore and sex, but really they're just sitting on the backs of Thomas and Windsor-Smith. This was the first and, as far as I'm concerned is a precursor to the modern age of comics which began towards the end of the 1970's. For anyone wanting a definitive or reasonably comprehensive collection of graphic novels and stories, this is essential. It's also a lot of fun. 

FOOD: ASDA MEAT-FREE BURGER MIX

I picked this up on a whim as part of my eat no (or very little) meat and eat lots of vegetarian meals and fish/seafood diet; which, with minor lapses, is doing quite well. When the six of us (me, Susan, Nick & Viv -her brother & his wife, Alex & Sarah -our nephew & niece) went to the Rosedene (a decent nearby quality pub) for Sunday lunch, they all had beef, pork, lamb or turkey roast and I ate the vegetarian roast and nice it was too and it made me feel very self-righteous.

About a week or so earlier, I'd picked up the above packet and finally got round to trying it this evening. It was easy enough to prepare: just add 285ml of water (I added a slosh of teryaki sauce for added flavour), mix and leave for 10minutes then fry as normal. And it was delicious. The nicest tasting burger I've eaten for a long time. It did tend to crumble a bit around the edges but otherwise had a reasonable texture.

Because I couldn't really split the packet, I had to make twice as much as I wanted and so left two for Susan who was out at the time. When she came I told her what it was and she pulled a face. I told her to try a taste which, unwillingly, she did. Her reaction: she ate the rest of it and wanted me to make it for Nick and Viv but not tell them what it was. Susan, I should add, is very particular about what she eats so you can consider her endorsement the highest recommendation. Me, I'll eat any old crap because, as she tells me, I have a cast-iron stomach.

Do yourself a favour and give it a try. You could well be pleasantly surprised.

GRAPHIC STORY: STRANGE SUSPENSE -THE STEVE DITKO ARCHIVES VOL.1

An Amazon 4star review, slightly revised.

Ditko: Strangeness and charm.

Steve Ditko is one of those comic book artists that you either 'get' and love or you just can't understand what the fuss is about. He's an artist who polarises the audience and he's probably appreciated more by critics and afficionados than the average comic book fan to whom his style seems crude and ugly. Sometimes it can take a while before you 'get' Ditko, in my case it took decades as I saw the light when I happened to read a book Strange & Stranger: The World of Steve Ditko which proved quite a revelation.

This volume is a collection of his early pre-Comics Code 50's work for Charlton Comics whose publishers were solely concerned about product not quality. Mostly horror, it also includes crime, western, SF, and romance. The Ditko style is already in place albeit not quite so initially defined as his work would later become, though it does evolve in the course of this volume. While I wouldn't recommended it as a Ditko-starter pack, there is more than enough to satisfy fans of his work who will find it a real treat. The horror stories are often gleefully grotesque. A couple of the more effective ones are gruesome reworkings of Cinderella (with vampires) and Rumpelstiltskin (a skin-collecting demon). 

The book is a solid production with high quality stock paper but the source material isn't always in very good condition, though I can't imagine it being any better given that the original comics are over 50 years old and weren't exactly collectible back in the day.

It's a nice, quirky book to have in your graphic story collection and I'll certainly be buying the second volume when it comes out later this year. 

DVD: CADILLAC RECORDS

An Amazon 4star review (slightly edited).

Keep repeating: it's only a dramatisation, only a dramatisation.

This is one where you'll probably enjoy it more the less you know about the blues and Chess Records.

It is a good fictionalisation of the Chess story with some excellent performances and great music but I kept shouting out things at the screen, like- Muddy didn't steal Hubert Sumlin from Howlin Wolf, Sumlin needed more money than he was getting from Wolf but he couldn't keep up the frenetic touring of the Muddy Waters Band and went scurrying back to HW. Little Walter was easily replaced by other harpists like Walter Horton and Carey Bell. Etta James wasn't discovered by Leonard Chess but by Johnny Otis. Sumlin didn't play on Smokestack Lightnin which was recorded at Sun and not Chess. Muddy Waters first toured the UK in 1958 (when he shocked the prissy folk-blues purists with his electric blues) not 1967; by then he'd been to Europe several times. What about Phil Chess? And where the hell is Otis Spann, Muddy's essential pianist and blood-brother? And so on.

On the other hand, it may be often factually incorrect but it does get the spirit right in terms of character and period setting. Adrian Brody is great as Leonard Chess, matched equally by Jeffrey Wright's performance as Muddy Waters, both square at the heart of the film. Terrific support by Eamon Walker (whom you'd never guess is an English actor) as Howlin' Wolf, Columbus Short as Little Walter, and I rather liked Mos Def's portrayal of the impish Chuck Berry with a well-hiddden heart of darkness. And, yes Beyonce does almost steal the show as Etta James. A final tip of the hat to Gabrielle Union as Geneva, Muddy's much put upon wife.

The movie flows nicely as it reveals the story of some of the 20th century's most influential music. The Rolling Stones visit to Chess Studios and being in awe of their idol Muddy Waters, who helps carry their bags, is ironically true as the scene comes over as mawkish.

Quibbles and irritations aside, this is as probably as good a dramatisation of the Chess story as we're ever likely to get. It deals with an important but often overlooked subject and is recommended for that alone.

Here's Eamon Walker as Howlin Wolf just arrived in Chicago and meeting Muddy and Leonard Chess for the first time.

Post script.
Does anyone know why an image link I've copied and pasted from Google Images into a post, as with the one above, will suddenly disappear?This is the second attempt at this one.

HOW TO SPOT A MIDDLE-AGED ENGLISHMAN IN LANZAROTE

Short hair? 
Check.

Pot belly? 

Check.

Pale skin going sun-burned red? 

Check.

Hideously ugly and stupid t-shirt only a brain-dead teenager would wear? 

(See below for sample.) 

Check.

Only visits bars which serve Full English Breakfast? Check.

Thinks cafe con leche is a place where dirty old men hang out? 

Check.

English.

RECENTLY ARRIVED: A COLLECTION OF AMAZON LINKS TO ITEMS I'VE JUST BOUGHT

   

Let no-one say I don't have a broad tast in popular music.



I'll probably review that one very soon as I watched it last night.

Makes a change from the usual horror/sf DVDs I watch. Expect reviews of some, if not most, of these in the coming weeks.

POLITICS: CONDEM-NED

I suspect the LibDems have made a very big mistake and that the Conservatives will outmanoeuver them at every turn. My prediction is that they'll realise this within, say, 18 months top, probably less which, unless the fixed-term legislation has gone through, will result in another general election. Of course, they could always do a deal with Labour and form a different government with them instead.

That said, I'm not sorry to see Gordon Brown go and a period in opposition will help Labour reassess themselves.

BOOKS: ROBERT R MCCAMMON -THE QUEEN OF BEDLAM

Expanded from an Amazon 5star review.

A thriller to rank with Stieg Larsson's Millenium trilogy-which I coincidentally read immediately before this.

That was the title to my Amazon review and I stand by it, but otherwise, apart the quality and that they are thrillers, they have nothing else in common.

Set in growing colony town of New York in 1702, it continues the story of the young clerk, Matthew Corbett, (whose story begins in Speaks The Nightbird, though prior knowledge of his activities is not required). The town is terrified because of the activities of a violent murderer (and possibly serial killer) nicknamed The Masker. This is only the beginning of an exquisitely written authentically detailed historical thriller which grows more and more complex as the highly intelligent Corbett begins to investigate the dark secrets of the new society and the dark and dangerous world in which he lives. It is populated with a number of vivid and fascinating characters who range from the kindly and the charming to the deepest black. It is stunningly inventive with a rich use of language and vernacular and a plot that twists and turns in many unexpected directions.

In fact there is some rather curious use of language in which certain phrases seem like variations on current idioms. In a book which appears to be meticulously researched, these seeming anachronisms may well be the author's little jokes. On the other hand, I'm not sure what the English language sounded like in New York circa 1700. McCammon does use some archaisms without doing anything to lessen the book's readability, so I really don't know.Certainly the historical detail appears to be correct. Early we have the arrival of Edward Hyde, Lord Cornbury, the new governor of New York who appears at his first public meeting dressed in drag -in imitation of the reigning Queen Anne- and Wikipaedia verifies from sources that he is alleged to have spent much time in dressed as a woman, though this is not undisputed by some historians.

I really don't want to say to much otherwise I might spoil the many pleasures that this rich and readable novel possesses. McCammon is a terrific storyteller and I loved this book. Perhaps it's best if I end this review by saying I read this book on holiday and within hours of my return (and about half an hour before writing this review) had ordered the third in the series which was published earlier this year. 

POLITICS: A LABOUR/LIB DEM GOVERNMENT?

Well, personally, I hope so and I'm sure no-one is surprised by that.

There are a number of good reasons for it, primarily that the Lib Dems have far more in common with Labour than with the Cons (an appropriate contraction of the name because they were clearly trying to con the Lib Dems who haven't bought it). It might have been fair to initially enter into talks with the party that had the most MPs but in practice Labour was always a better bet. 

The biggest attraction for Clegg and his party is the offer of legislating the Alternative Vote system before the next General Election with teaser of a referendum on on full proportional representation. The Tories would never do this but would prevaricate and obfuscate until they felt they were in a position to go to the country and win without the LibDems. Labour was always a better bet for their cherished reform of the electoral system.

Apart from the fact that I don't want Cameron and his cronies in power, I'm a strong believer in proportional representation because it will enable all voters to feel that their views are being represented which is what democracy is all about. And, yes, I am aware that it will also give a strong voice to people with views I find repulsive like the National Racist Scumbag Party -sorry, I mean the BNP- but that is what democracy is all about. More likely is that it will see an upsurge in support for more positive groups like the Greens. This will revitalise British politics making it more flexible and adaptable to the new era we find ourselves in and actively engage the interest of a previously cynical population. 

The world is changing in so many ways that an antiquated system like our first past the post just doesn't work properly any more. Our country is far more diverse than when I was growing up and our system of government should reflect this. Simply having more female, openly gay, and ethnic minority individual as MPs isn't the same thing.

We live in interesting times. Let's hope they are about to get more interesting.

POLITICS: A CONSERVATIVE-LIBERAL DEMOCRAT ALLIANCE IS SHORTENED TO-

THE CON-DEMS.

Sounds like condom and condemn. I like both. Loads of fun for newspaper headline writers. Loads of laughs for us. Lots of contempt for them.

(Confession: someone on Amazon Vine Forum came up with the conflation, but I'm the one who's run away with it.)

LANZAROTE: A GUSTATORY ODYSSEY

(Imagine me in this pool. Or not, if you'd rather.)

Only yards from the apartment and about as long as the pool at the Raich Carter Centre where I normally swim, I was in there six days out of the seven of my stay, swimming about 10 lengths every time with the worst part being the moment of entry as it's a seawater pool -I slowly climb down the steps, the chill water creeping up my legs and, ah!, deep breath, I turn and launch myself away from the side and I'm off, a slow unstoppable miniature white whale.

I went on holiday because:

I could -invited by my friend Ian P to spend a week with him at his apartment in Costa Teguise, Lanzarote.

I'd been before (for the same reason above) and quite liked the place.

I liked the opportunity to just laze around in the sun drinking coffee and reading several books.

It provided the opportunity for me to indulge myself in eating fresh fish of species I'd never tried before.

I like looking at the lean feral and abandoned cats which roam the complexes, even though I do feel sorry for them. A full account of my experiences with these cats, plus a visit to Lanzarote's only rescue centre, and a trip to Guinate Wildlife Park (with lots of photos), see my Cat Rescuing blog.

But mainly I came here for the food, hence the pretentious use of the phrase a gustatory odyssey.

And here is me about to tuck into a bowl of fish and seafood soup at a tiny village called Playa Quemada. Don't worry about the fact that I'm not smiling, that's just my normal expression. You can't tell but I'm quivering with expectation.

And the soup was rather nice.

On our first evening there, we went to the Galleon restaurant in the centre of Costa Teguise (from now on abreviated to CT) because IanP liked it i.e. it was cheap. For 9euros you got a 3-course meal plus a drink. I had a glass of wine which wasn't enough so I asked for a half bottle. Now the guy either didn't understand, as he brought me a whole bottle, or I didn't understand that I was just to drink half of it. As it was, I knocked it all back in half an hour while eating the home-made (sure) fish cake starter, main course of grilled sardines (okay) and the sweet. Rating: 5.5/10.

The following evening wasn't much different except that I didn't drink a whole bottle of wine, just one glass of beer. I asked for Spanish Omelette as a starter which looked like a thick slice of pie but made out of egg with potatoes mixed in. A main course of anonymous grilled fish (which could have been cod for all I knew) followed. Rating: 4/10.

Saturday and lunch at Playa Quemada (see above) then northwards in the early evening to the fishing village of Arieta which is famous for its fish (as it would). The mushroom and prawns in garlic came in a small dish with the ingredients swimming in a bowl of bubbling olive oil and gets a rating of 9/10. Sadly the main course -two overcooked and very bony fish- was a considerable 3.5/10 disappointment.

Sunday evening and to the nearby Sausalito where I'd been before several times for the cheap set menu of steak and whatever. This time, however, a starter of prawns and garlic (with a few small chilis), again served in bubbling olive oil into which I dipped pieces of bread. Tuna steak in onion sauce with rice, Canarian potatoes (small and cooked in their skins and served dry and wrinkled) and, for some odd reason, cauliflower. I wasn't to know it but this would be the best evening meal I ate in the week. 8.5/10.

The following evening I had a pizza of which I left nearly half and should have left more -soggy and generally revolting. 1.5/10.

Tuesday and it was back to the Galleon for another prawns and garlic (good as usual and I'm going to try cooking it for myself) followed by grilled sea bream which turn out to be another anonymous bony fish but a bit better than the ones at Arieta. 7/10.

Wednesday and Ian had some people to see in Teguise, the municipal town for the region. Dry, dusty and white, I expected to hear Ennio Morricone whistling a tune. One of the people worked in a restaurant called La Cantina and I liked the look of the tapas menu so we stayed for lunch -a good-sized plate of whitebait accompanied by excellent home-cooked chips (fresh fries) and an overpriced glass of white wine. Great food and a nice ambience but I'm not rating it because it was a glorified expensive snack. I'm not rating the evening meal because we went for a Chinese buffet which cost a grand total of 4.95 euros, just under a third the cost of lunch. It was what you'd expected, tasty enough in it's own cheap and cheerful way but I'm not in a hurry for another one.

Thursday evening and it was burger and fries at Arecife airport while I waited to board the plane home.

Here are some photographs of various places we went to during the week.

Me at Formora, a place of staggering dullness but much loved by Norwegian surfers, apparently.

IanP delighted to find me at a harbour cafe in Playa Blanca after having been to see a bank manager. I though PB was a little dull from previous visits but this time I began to see its charms. Here's another photo.

Something else I did, apart from see bits of Lanzarote, eat, swim and the animal-related stuff, was read. Big thick books and I'd brought a really good selection with me. The first was Monster Hunters International, at 700pages rather overlong but undemanding entertainment. Next came the second and third volumes of Steig Larsson's brilliant Millenium trilogy which is recommended to anyone who loves a good crime novel. Next up Robert Charles Wilson's deservedly Hugo-winning Spin. Lastly Robert McCammon's Queen of Bedlam which was so good that almost as soon as I got home I ordered the third in the series in hardback which was published earlier this year. Add in a couple of magazines, newspapers, a couple of graphic novels and a pile of Ian's DC comics and the page count I consumed probably topped 3,000. And I still had three books I didn't get round to.

I stayed up later than I would at home -watching some DVDs I'd brought with me- and slept later, undisturbed by cats wanting to be let out at 5.00 in the morning. While often cloudy in the morning, the sun would usually break through by lunchtime (or late afternoon) and the temperature would shoot up accordingly. Most days were windy to varying degrees but that is normal for Lanzarote.  All in all a very nice lazy week in the sun for which I thank my old friend Ianp.

The flight home (Ian was staying on another week) was just over four hours in a tin can but at least I had an aisle seat. I got in the house around 1.45 am and watched a little tv to find out what was happening with regard to the General Election results then went to bed and was woken by the cats at 6.00am. Good to be home.

And here's a picture of an abandoned cat I made friends with.