DVD: MEGA-PIRANHA

So I've just got back from a crowded pub having had a meal with my friend Barry (aka Anonymous No.1), half a pint of real ale and a bottle of Hardy's Shiraz (£6.30) and I'm just in the mood to review a piece of crap like Mega-Piranha.

This cropped version of a poster is exaggerated. It takes at least half a dozen to eat a battleship.

This isn't. It is also very funny as our hero kicks several over-large piranha which are trying to eat him.

The Plot. In Venezuala, well-meaning American scientists have accidentally developed a strain of piranha which double their size every 48 hours and they have gotten loose in the Orinoco River. I know this because every time you see a South American river the words Orinoco River flashes on the screen. This also happens every time you got to a new location or see a new character.

When they American ambassador and his V conterpart are eaten by big piranha, our hard-core hero is sent to investigate his mysterious death (he doesn't know they were eaten by big piranhas). He meets the bad guy, a Venezualan military man. (NB Venezuala dislikes the USA so much they changed their clocks by half an hour so they wouldn't be in the same time zone: fact!) He also meets our heroine 80's Pop Sensation Tiffany (as she is always billed on the DVD box and any other publicity material) who is a scientist trying to grow fish to feed the population but grew the piranha which accidentally got loose so it's all her fault!

The bad guy fails to destroy the piranha which keep on growing and head downriver towards the open sea which they couldn't exist in but who the hell cares. On their way they leap out of the river and hit several buildings which explode. Don't know why but they do. They also eat lots of people and get kicked by our hero.

Hero and Tiffany and another scientist who hasn't been killed head for the coast to alert a a battleship to destroy the piranha before they reach the open sea and get to Florida faster than a jet. They are pursued by the bad guy and his minions but who cares because the battle ship doesn't kill enough of them and gets eaten and the giant piranha head for Florida.

Reality check. Venezuala is actually on the west of South America with its coast on the Pacific. However, the maps we see are of the east coast, specifically Belize where the movie was actually filmed.

At this point I stopped caring. The end doesn't make sense but neither does what happened before that. There's a documentary about how they made this wonderful film film for peanuts and I believed every word, almost. Not that it doesn't have some entertainment value but it sure is a pile of shit.